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HEAD IN FRONT, BONER BRINGS UP REAR A new national poll by the Politically Irrelevant Survey Service shows a shakeup in the race for the Integrity Party's presidential nomination. The latest poll by P.I.S.S. shows a tight race, with underdog Richard Head leading frontrunner Harry Balzak by a small margin, and Jack Boner in a close third. The P.I.S.S. telephone survey polled 1,000 voters nationwide, and of the eight people who said they'd heard of the candidates, three wanted Head over Balzak, who was preferred by two. Boner was the choice of one, while two others were too stoned to answer and one tried to get the pollster to meet him at a seedy motel with a ball gag and a pound of bacon grease. Jack Boner, the failed 2000 nominee and former vibrator repairman, is back in the race after a brief absence. Boner was reinjected into the rear of the campaign in spite of an endorsement by Integrity Party founder Max Shields. Boner appeared pumped up at a campaign rally in Pahrump, Nevada despite his inability to penetrate the top of the field. Dick Head is way up in the polls and ready to go after a big win in the Nevada caucuses. Head rode the endorsements of the Nevada Pimps Union and the National Association of Strippers, Tramps and Tarts (NAST-T) to victory in the Clap State. A late endorsement by the Rubber Penis Manufacturers Local 412 failed to lift Balzak to the top spot. Balzak says he won't drop and will stay in the race until the end. CANDIDATES MIX IT UP AT RAUCOUS DEBATE Dick Head, Jack Boner and Harry Balzak went at it ahead of the Integrity Party's South Carolina primary in a debate at which the sparks flew like a giant penis out of Hillary Clinton's open fly. The candidates' forum took place at the Jimmy John Joejack Memorial Bingo Hall and Cathouse in Sugar Tit, SC. All was amiable until the contentious subject of brothel safety came up. Balzak, who favors free universal STD shots for all hookers, was shouted down by Head, who favors a plan where hookers' pimps pay into a fund that is matched by the federal government. Boner's assertion that prostition is currently not legal in most states and, therefore, it would be inapropriate for taxpayers to fund their health care was largely ignored by the raucous crowd which repeatedly chanted "Jerry, Jerry," threw chairs and kept asking where the midget was.
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THE INTEGRITY PARTY: THE VIAGRA OF DEMOCRACY! |
