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Balzak For President!
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CANDIDATES FORUM UP, BONER PULLS OUT
The Integrity Party presidential hopefuls
have held their first candidates forum at the Good Balls Bowling Center in
Climax, North Carolina. After failing to get FoxNews, CNN, MSNBC, Telemundo
or Game Show Network to sponsor or cover the event - or even acknowledge it
was happening - Integrity Party chairman Peter Goodgrip finally convinced
The Prison Channel to sign on. Unfortunately, Lindsey Lohan was busy being
deloused and was not available to moderate, an honor which fell to the
revered penitentiary commentator Bruno "Knuckles" Hackey, whose
campaign against bad anal hygiene in smaller prisoners has made him one of
the country's most respected inmate-journalists. At the debate, candidates took on all the
heavy issues of our day, including health care, national security, brothel
safety and the environment. Stealing the show by all accounts was
six-time candidate Harry Balzak, a former government wallpaper inspector who
made his fortune selling national security secrets to the Soviet Union.
Balzak got the loudest applause of the night with his suggestion that carbon
emissions could be cut in half by simply killing Rosie O'Donnell and burying
her bloated carcass at least 300 feet under the ground. Coming in a
clear second was foot fungus powder heir Richard Head, who entered the forum
to chants of "We want Dick!" and "Give us Head!" Head is undoubtedly
the rock star of the group, being described by Chairman Goodgrip as "like
Barak Obama without all the blackness." Head suggested that he would
immediately pull American troops out of Iraq and send them to Tahiti, where
at least we could get some half-naked women out of the deal. Also at
the forum where former vice-presidential candidate Emma Lapper, inexplicable
millionaire Rob Banks and former woman Butch Manly. Sadly, popular
candidate Jack Boner was forced to withdraw from the race due to health
problems. Boner is fighting a battle with Severe Underarm Odor (SUO)
and says he wants to spend more time with his family, in spite of the fact
that they don't seem interested in spending any time with him.
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THE INTEGRITY PARTY: THE VIAGRA OF DEMOCRACY! |
