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CBS News poll claims Bush has 9 point lead over Kerry..................good work, Dan....................Dan Rather reportedly has new authenticated documents exposing the Easter Bunny as the Anti-Christ..............................Assault weapons ban expires..................criminals will now not have to perform the twenty seconds of sophisticated and backbreaking labor required to turn a semi-automatic weapon to full auto............................Talk show host Jerry Springer said to have uncovered memos typed by General George Washington in Mongolian Megascript accusing George W. Bush of missing at least two pow wows and the Pinewood Derby during his service in the Weeblos in 1953................................................Man in Batman suit climbs Buckingham Palace in protest......................Rear reportedly not cut out of suit......................Letters to state governors rigged to strike matches inside to catch envelopes on fire..................Lazy kids can't even make letter bombs anymore...........................NEWS FLASH!!!!!: Former CBS news anchor Connie Chung reported to have discovered documents written by Julius Caesar in Crayola crayon accusing George W. Bush of kicking the emperor's dog in the nadbag 2000 years before he was born.................